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Sample essay 1 with admissions feedback

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what I really appreciated about this essay is that the student really took the time to paint a very vivid picture about her experience in this accident and what she learned from it this entire time and and the lesson learned from this experience she clearly went through a traumatic experience having an accident and going through an accident and then was able to turn it around into a positive really explain to us how she was able to conquer her fear and then become an EMT which is something that we as admission officers like to see that resilience that ability to take something that could be a very disturbing moment and really apply it and learn from it in a way that benefits other people and it benefits themselves in the long run which i think is those are all great things the one area that I thought would have been a little bit helpful for us as admission officers the essay she spent a lot of time really again painting that picture setting the scene and I think some students one of the sort of the things that we see a lot is students spend a lot of that time in that as a valuable space on that essay really setting that scene and they don’t really capitalize the moments that they have to explain what they learned we really only get that in the last — I would say the last paragraph of this essay in this idea of I conquered my fear I was able to revisit something that was painful for me and now I’m an EMT and I’m able to help other people going through similar experiences and it would have been nice to hear that a little bit earlier on in this essay she spent practically four paragraphs really sort of going through every detail of both the accident itself and then becoming an EMT and it sometimes can be again you only have so many words on this essay to really put yourself out there and so I would have spent a little bit more time really getting to the point a little earlier on I sort of last last takeaway as I read this essay is I think it’s beautifully written really vivid imagery which I love to see but I would spend a little bit more time really thinking about you know what do I want the admission office and the admission officers to learn about myself through this essay beyond being able to conquer her fear how is that applicable to her as a college student on our campus perhaps it means that she might want to pursue pre-med or the sciences as a possible academic journey or it says something about her commitment to civic duty and the community and spending a little bit more time going back to this idea of how is this impactful on the student itself and what do we learn about the student spending a little bit more time allowing us to get to know getting to know her in a more intimate way I think would serve her really well in this essay

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